the traveller.

tell me about your saddest day,
let me wipe your tears away..
let me catch each drop with my lips,
let me stroke your fingertips.
tell me your biggest secret, or your biggest regret,
and if you ask me to, afterwards, i'll forget.
tell me a lie and see if i can guess,
tell me your worst, and nothing less.
let me see you blush, let me hear you breathless,
let me see your scars, let me feel you restless.
let me kiss the place on your body that you believe to be ugly,
feel beautiful with me, try and see what i see.
don't be afraid about where you're going,
and don't think about where you've been.
don't ever hold back or be afraid of what your showing;
i want to know all of the things that you've seen.
let me be surprised, i won't ever judge you,
never hold back from chasing dreams, because i'll never grudge you.
tell me how excited you are to travel the world, and don't mind that i won't be there....
you can tell me what you saw when you come home, even the boring bits, cos i'll still care.
please ignore tomorrow because there's so much we can do now,
and if it gets tough, there's still a some way or a some how.
i'd rather miss you again, than miss you forever,
because even if i have to wait, i know that we have time together...
i don't want to give up before we've begun,
but i can't keep up every time that you run.
i can't read your mind, as hard as i try....
but we've got three whole months before 'that' goodbye.
listen to me, foolish, coming undone,
i'm pouring my heart out, and i'm making a mess.
but i don't want you to pick up the pieces unless,
you promise to stay and let me sew up each wound,
lie with me sunday mornings, duvet cocooned.
let's take some pictures and carve out a memory,
you can deny me all you like but you can't deny this chemistry.
i can feel you fall, because you're falling into me,
i remember a single butterfly, when you first called me baby.
you remember things i've said and you like the way my laugh is never the same,
and there's no sweeter picture than the way your lips curve around my name.
you always knock the cherry, gently against my lips,
and take it away again - just before it really hits.
you know you got me hook-line, but you still refuse to admit it,
you'd rather pretend i'd never cared, so that you could run - and quit this.
but did you never think that maybe it's too late....
did you never wonder why you get so irate?
it's just the way it is when you care,
you'll hate me sometimes, call me unfair.
don't be afraid to let go - and don't be afraid that i already know.
you can switch it up and ignore me all you like,
but i'm under your skin, because you let me bite.
let me fall in love with you, and love me as hard as you know you could,
ask me to give you myself til you leave me, because i swear to you with everything, i would.

in three months, you'll be gone for a year.
but why make it fifteen?........... when for now, you're still very much here?

Long Distance.

Love is a game that two can play; and both win.

Does 'long distance' work? - and when I say 'long distance'; do you think plane rides and thousands of pounds, or three hours and £25? The thing is, for me, i'm impulsive and spontaneous as a person so anything that I can't have NOW, as in, within half an hour, when I decide - counts as 'long distance' when it comes to relationships! Call me a Princess, that's fine. But for me, the beauty of a boyfriend/girlfriend/partner is that when you're low or when you need a cuddle- they're there, it's automatic. If my ex had had a bad day - i'd be there for him - we'd put on a film and cuddle, pig out - whatever would have made the bad feelings go. What if he'd been three hours away, and working until 9pm? We don't hook up til midnight? - and what if we both had work in the morning? It's just not practical? But then does practical matter if it's insatiable when you're together. Is it worth sacrificing easy and on tap, just to hold on to something that makes you feel so alive part time? 

Faith makes all things possible, love makes them easy.

The thing is, I think for long distance to work, in any capacity- you have to throw caution to the wind, and if we're honest, get a little bit crazy. You need to jump on a train at 11pm at night if it means seeing them for half a day, you need to let them know every special thought you think about them, you need to fill that free day full of them, you need to meet in the middle, borderline stuff. There's no time to hold back or to be careful, it's a risk so you have to take the plunge whole heartedly and give it your best shot because there's enough standing in your way already, without caution and 'playing it cool' - the latter I was never a fan of anyway. Love isn't about being 'cool' - the letting go and falling into it is the cool part. But; what if only one of you is prepared to do all that? What if one is holding back through fear of it going wrong, and one is prepared to give it their best shot. What then? You just give up? Even if those times you are together, it's stronger, better and fiercer than anything you've ever experienced? It's the easiest thing to shy away from, to bow out of, it's just not practical, so why even try? But then there's that fear, of never feeling that way again? Because it's so rare isn't it? To find someone that makes you weak at the knees, makes your stomach swirl, gives your whole body butterflies, that person that envelopes you in their kiss, as if your bodies completely entwine the minute your lips meet, that person that leaves you speechless, breathless, that person who with one tiny look, makes your heart skip a beat. Fairytale stuff. We all want that, right? So it's worth holding on to at all costs. But then, is it better to just never know the outcome, rather than to try and fail. Is it better to just take those stolen moments and run? Or is it better to fall deeper and give it your best shot and land on your arse, missing it forever. Is 'what could have been' sweeter? 

Beginnings are usually scary, and endings are usually sad but it's everything in between that makes it worth while. 

I feel like it's worth it. Worth giving it a shot. Even if it is scary, even if I do land on my arse. Because, what if day to day you realise it was all an illusion, space making it sweeter. What if day to day the standard cracks start to show - what if the distance is too much. If three hours is too much then maybe it was never right in the first place. You can't fake how you feel - you can't fake a kiss that melts two bodies into one, and you can't hide that from each other, the passion, the intensity. Those kind of feelings, you both know where you stand, even if one wanted to lie, they couldn't. So surely that's enough to go on, and if that continues and progresses, then you make it work, you make it easier. Three hours isn't that far - eventually one of you could make that move and it wouldn't even be much upheaval - i've known couples who made it work from Australia to the UK, people who have picked themselves up and moved to the other side of the world, leaving their lives behind, all for that one person. I don't see myself ever doing that, I love my life here far too much, and I think moving your whole LIFE to another COUNTRY for someone is bound to put a strain on you both, but if people can make it work with all those miles between them, who are we to get our knickers in a twist about a few hours, particularly when he's unhappy there anyway?

You want me to act like we've never kissed, you want to forget; and i've tried, and i've tried, but I haven't yet. You walk by, and I fall to pieces....

How do you just forget you've felt it and carry on with your life when you know it's there, not that far away? I wish I could just switch off my feelings or meet someone next door to me who makes me feel the same way, because i'm so afraid he'll run, because he has before, and i've just opened myself up, risking the same hurt, the same heartache... all over again... only worse, because we met on holiday originally, and now we've proved that the same feelings apply here. Just as strong, if not stronger. I've got something in my reach which feels so perfect but I might just have to wonder about it for the rest of my life because I can't make it work on my own. But I feel some things are for a reason, and I think there was a reason for him. I want more than anything to switch off and put it to rest because my heart is so on the line, but I know i'm in for it this time around; and that it's already too late - so i'll just have to suck it up. I know i'll cry some tears but I just hope he'll hold my hand through it all, rather than turn his back on us. 

A little bit of Spice, Taking Notes, an Interval and a Thackray.

I feel like everything is slowly coming together. My life has taken a totally different path from what I'd first expected. Now I find myself working as much at musical theatre as I do pop and as much at producing as I do singing. At nineteen I was in Tom Lewis, Universal's office talking about my coffee-table-jazz album and kind of dying on the inside but SURE that I wanted to be a 'popstar' - don't get me wrong, I was never one of these brats who just wanted to be famous. I've always, always wanted this because it's my passion and because my life kind of doesn't make sense to me without performing - it's just who you are I guess, your soul. But anyway, a pop route was the one I was sure I wanted to take.

Then everything fell apart, I walked away from the Universal malarky and my management, I got locked into a contract for two years - I couldn't sign
anything else - I lost my way. I sung for the first time in a while at a gig for Emily Thackaray (Emily is this amazing lady who when I first met her was very sick with cystic fibrosis and in need of a lung transplant, thank EVERYTHING on earth she was given one and is now living a beautiful, healthy life and campaigns tirelessly to raise awareness - visit her site - www.lltgl.org.uk); anyway - I agreed to sing at a charity gig arranged by Emily. I was out of practise but I didn't think anything of it, I was just excited to sing again - anyway, when I was called to sing at the rehearsal I literally wanted the ground to swallow me up - I felt hot and dizzy and horrible, then I felt like I sounded breathless as I sung - I didn't have the control I wanted over the big notes and I felt like everyone was looking at me thinking what a horrible singer I was. My eyes welled up - it was mortifying. Emily was great, she spotted it and took me outside and gave me such a boost. She really is such a beautiful and inspirational person - to have dealt with all that she has and to have come out the other end fighting. There need to be more like her.  I guess it was such a release to just tell someone how I felt. I realised how the knocks I'd taken had really gotten to me - I felt like I wasn't good enough anymore and I guess I'd lived in a fairytale world before where I thought if you were a good person and talented- then it would come. I was so wrong. Realising it was the hardest thing. 

The gig ended up going really well, and in the end I sung a song that I'd sung years before, and I think I did a better job at it. Rather than being shitter than ever, like I'd thought - I realised maybe I'd improved a little with age. It was the first time my then boyfriend had really seen me perform - and it kind of inspired me to go at it a little harder and so I did. I ended up putting on my own gig with two other singer/performer friends of mine at Epsom Playhouse, which is a theatre that'll always be dear to me as it's where I started out - in YTW - the group that I give the most thanks of all to - because Trevor and Teresa pretty much forced me to sing because they noticed something in me, and I can honestly say if it wasn't for that I don't know if I'd have ever had the confidence to sing in public - which is kind of a nuts thought. So anyway, this gig at Epsom Playhouse with two friends, Chloe Sinclair and Sarah Henley (now resident writer at the Giant Olive Theatre; and an amazing writer at that) 'Time of the Month' - was basically, the birth of Interval Productions - the Theatre Company I now run, which seems to be going from strength to strength.


So anyway, we're now five shows later and our next gig is with Emmy Award Winning Composer Lance Horne and features some West End faves along with some up and coming talent (which is Interval's point of difference - I want to give unheard voices a chance, for people who like me, will take knocks and will suffer rejection - I don't want people to lose their voice.. I want them to keep remembering that they're appreciated and I want them to keep remembering why they do this) - next after that is a gig at Battersea Barge on June 20th and then another in September - we keep plodding on, offering opportunities for lots of different singers to get up and show keen audiences what they're made of.

Me, Paul Spicer, Lance Horne - Notes Unleashed After Show Party

At the same time as I was getting on this Interval kick and actually producing my second show, 'Six in the City', I met (in the flesh) a wonderful man called Paul Spicer. Paul Spicer is one of the West Ends Leading Men and is also a Producer- the first Man to be on the West End (Avenue Q- go see him, he's amazing) and producing a West End show (Megan Mullally and the Supreme Music Program at the Vaudeville Theatre) at the same time - achievement?! So anyway, Paul is someone I'd been following (career wise, not like... in the street)... I first saw him at the first ever Notes from New York show (if you don't know what that's about; then get to know!) - my friend Richard Jones had dragged me along, being the biggest theatre lover I knew - however, he usually had good taste so I figured I'd trust him. Anyway - Richard, Sarah (who I did 'Time of the Month' with and is now a super-talented writer), her then boyfriend Tim and I FELL IN LOVE with this beautiful boy on stage who just happened to be none other than Mr. Spicer. I remember Richard saying, 'I think he looked at me', to which I said 'it was blatantly me', que Sarah, 'no, no - definitely me', ending in Tim - 'clearly... ME'... and we all agreed that if we were honest, knowing our luck, it probably would have been at Tim. 

So; anyway - Paul impressed me so much that I needed my Mum to hear him, my Mum and I are super close and have very similar taste in performers- so I checked his website and dragged her to see him in production at the Landor, which happened to be the first ever 'Christmas in New York', which is now a massive annual West End event at venues such as 'The Prince of Wales Theatre'! - he didn't disappoint, lovely as ever and I was now an official fan of the Notes from New York series. It was fresh and innovative and for me it offered everything the West End was missing, finally contemporary musical theatre was being performed by contemporary, young performers - and it was always a treat to hear Paul (and Julie Atherton) perform - Richard, Sarah, Tim, Mum and I became regulars - I remember they all went as a crew once ... WITH MY MUM... when I was stuck at my leavers ball, which was shit and I was totally jealous - but mum came home with a programme where she'd circled all the good numbers - cute!


.... Anyway; I so respected Paul and what he was doing and creating and of course his talent- and so - I sent him a message via myspace as I genuinely stumbled across him through a friend one day (i'd tell you if i'd stalked him, honest - I was genuinely just lucky and there was his face on a friend of a friends profile) - so I said something that I can't remember but I presume it was about how talented he was - and I never expected a reply. I like a lot of singers but it's rare that someone really touches you, and he had, and so I felt that if I had done that to someone, I'd want to know - so it only seemed right, right? Anyway - he replied. We ended up having some silly exchange about Lindsay Lohan and poles or something if I remember correctly and I remember thinking - 'he's cool'.

Then literally, a couple of years later I see Paul at the opening night of Tick Tick Boom - which he had produced and HE says to ME.... 'We're Internet friends, aren't we?' - well, that was history right there. Then we BUMP into each other at Lady GaGa and spend the night partying away to her at Brixton Academy one hot summers night (wet look leggings WEREN'T the ones Tor; by the end of the night they were ROLLED up and my hair was in a bun) - then, my Mum pushed me to do TAKING NOTES. A course run by the Notes From New York team. (Picture of us lot - the ORIGINAL cast, thank you very much!).

Well. Talk about a turning point. This is when, for me, Interval went from a hobby to something serious that I knew I wanted to do. It inspired me because really that's all Paul had done - taken the leap and thrown something together and believed in it. Sure, I was a fair, few steps behind - if not miles - but why not do something you love, on your own terms, meanwhile creating performance opportunities for yourself and for others. So with some of my new found Taking Notes friends I started working on my third gig, 'Therapy' - this time at The Battersea Barge. Paul was lovely enough to come sing at this gig - with me; which was a personal dream come true. Singing with someone you admire as a performer is lovely enough, but when that person is also a friend... even better. It was very special.

We got some amazing feedback and things have just grown. My friend Matt who is currently in We Will Rock You was in the Therapy gig and invited down Ian Carlyle who runs the West End Gospel Choir, Ian asked me to join ................... WOW! What a talented bunch of people.


Paul brings Alan Cumming's one man show to London, the MD is Lance Horne, Paul organises an aftershow gig as part of the 'Notes from New York' series, of Lance's songs - I go to the after party, I click with Lance.


I email Lance asking to use a couple of his songs in my next gig, Lance is in London, he says to come meet him at The Soho Theatre, I do, he sorts my friend and I tickets out for his show and we talk music. The two songs turns into an evening of songs.


Julie Atherton is recording one of Lance's songs on her new album, Paul asks the West End Gospel Choir if they'll do backing vocals on that song.

Some of us West End Gospel lot with the gorgeous Julie Atherton after recording on her album 'No Space For Air' - released 6th June 2010 - PRE-ORDER IT.

Lance and I start planning the evening of his songs, using members of the gospel choir, including wonderful Ian and fabulous and fierce Nathaniel Morrison (who also runs West End Gospel and is now in Sister Act) - Paul agrees to sing, as well as Leanne Jones and Al Silber. We plan the gig at Freedom, I have to email a guy called Nate to book in, he happens to be a member of the West End Gospel Choir too!


Paul asks if I'd do some backing vocals at Julie's gig, on June 6th 2010.


A girl called Ava works with Paul, as an associate Producer on the Megan Show - I meet her as I flyer for them one night - she's lovely - I need a co-producer with a flair for writing, I read Ava's blog - we speak on twitter - we get along - she's up for helping out on some Interval stuff.


West End Gospel Choir are going from strength to strength, appearing at the Miranda Sings gig next week and working on Anton Stephan's gig - Grateful, with presenters such as Chris Evans and Danny Dyer.......


Life has the funny way of intertwining, I can't help but think that fate has had a nod.

But there is no denying that a huge part of all this has been thanks to Paul Spicer. To have someone that you believe in so much believing in you, is an amazing feeling. I can't thank him enough. I really can't. But above anything else, he is a wonderful friend and I am so glad that through admiring his talent, I've found someone that I'll make sure I know for life. He has said that he and I are the same and that some things you just know and he's right - we get each other, and that's so rare to find. I guess if I was to choose a mentor, he would be mine because accidentally our lives followed the same pattern in that our love of singing/performing pushed us to create more opportunities to do the stuff we love, which means this 'Producing' thing just kind of falls into your lap...... and so does the fact that you kinda love it just as much as the singing stuff!

But what I've also learnt is that as cliche as it sounds, life really IS what you make it. People moan that there isn't any work or they aren't given the opportunity to show what they can do - well create the opportunity. There is so much talent out there from singers to writers to directors to producers and so many people waiting for that break so why not do it yourself. The Internet is such a powerful tool. It's how I made contact with Paul, it's how I continued contact with Ava, it's how Emily Thackray asked me to be involved in her gig as she'd seen one of my YTW performances (see, everything connects), it's how I found my fabulous MD Ellie, it's how I found one of my fave singers/performers Andy Coxon, who is now a regular Interval fixture, it's how I had a meeting the other night with Lance though he's in Las Vegas, it's how I book these bloody gigs. It's RIGHT there at your fingertips - just DO IT!

I have also learned that that's bullshit; that you have to walk over people to get where you want to go. My opportunities have come from being friends first, if you are a good person and THEN you can prove yourself on top of that and if you show willingness to work hard alone to get to where you want to be, then people who have the power to help you will, and they will when the time is right too..... they also help you knowing that you'll pass that help on to someone else... we can all create opportunities for each other and I feel lucky in that I've surrounded myself with the right people - people with a willingness to work hard because they're in this industry for the right reasons, for passion - for love - and so we will help each other and it's going to keep going and building from strength to strength - and ain't that a good place to be :)


Bring it on Life, I'm ready for you. x

I Loved Today

So; today was a good day.

Well it kinda started last night.
When planning kicked up a gear... turned up a notch... for my next gig, at Freedom on June 7th - a gig with Lance Horne (an emmy award winner i'll have you know) - an evening of his BEAUTIFUL songs featuring dear and exceptionally talented friends of mine - it should be a really fun night too as Freedom is complete with hot DJS, the occasional drag queen (gender illusionist) and POLES.. Bring It! Any bar/club with disco balls on the ceiling and pink velvet sofas; is my kinda place!
SO - that got me in a good mood and THEN I went to bed... slight interruption in the good news.. HELLO HUGE SPIDER...... IN MY BED...! NOT cool! So we (meaning.. me) demolished that badboy - then felt icky lying in the same bed it had been in.
Anyway... morning comes... alarm goes off anddddddddddddddddddd...
I started off by heading to an audition at Pineapple..
My Mummy says 'I wonder if you'll see Louie' - I was like AS IF................... first smile of the day was from none other than Louie Spence, looking very attractive as he paced around on the phone outside Pineapple - much calmer than on the TV but clearly a very definate fixture at Pineapple, all very real! (my casual smile played it cool but inside I was SCREAMING 'Louie Spence - I LOVE YOU - YOU LEDGE'.... However... I saved him the awkward situation) - I head through the doors to ask for directions to Studio 5 and there is that ginger boy that features, I didn't think I'd be fazed and I wasn't really but I dunno - it was just odd to be in the home of what is now a 'reality tv show' and to find that the reality is real! They were ACTUALLY WORKING and getting on with it! I LOVE THAT!
So head to audition to be greeted by some LOVELY girls - how rare. Sweethearts at an audition. One moody girl (always) but she was in and out first so whatever...
Anyway  - had giggles with three beauties, and then a UK Justin Bieber arrived to audition and basically I wanted to take him home 'good luck ladies' he said as he left.... I LOVE HIM.
...... He could sing too!
SO then audition is running late so we have to do a quick slot.. I scrap my original song as it takes a while to get going and picked one i'd not sung for a year! I ended up going into my audition with one of the other girls! Which was actually fun....
I sing - it goes pretty well for once (I HATE auditions)... she sings (she's amazing.. SO SOULFUL) - we sit down and get
'you two are fucking on the money. AMAZING VOICES' - well; this audition has gone well.
Turns out we're not right for the 'side project' he was casting for but he's an a&r and is scouting talent and raw vocal ability excites him more than anything and the minute something that needs 'perfect vocals' comes up - he's calling us.
HE continues to 'what a voice' me and I feel like fainting............ i'm so used to being rejected from auditions that I want to hug him and kiss his face.... (something is coming over me today)............ how nice to be appreciated for just standing up and singing for once.... and not feel like a puppet on a string.
So; then I had lunch with my best friend Jake - bought my friend Kimberley a top to cheer her up and sorted out tickets for us tonight to go see my BEAUTIFUL ANGEL Paul Spicer smash it ONCE AGAIN in Avenue Q tonight..... 3rd time... but i'm as excited as ever :)
He's SO special.
.... and I can't wait to see a smile on Kimberley's face.
ALSO managed to catch up with my old work girls... all in all... today was perfect....
I.LOVE.LIFE.
<3

Tuesday May 11th 2010

This Happened ..............

Dark Day.

America progress with the likes of Obama and we..... ???

Well; the less said about all this the better... I think the picture pretty much sums it up. 

.... and if you want to know my reasons for thinking it totally reasonable to deem Cameron such a dirty word.... google Philippa Stroud.... just for a start. Then we can dig up some more dirt for you on this LOVELY party we've decided to let take charge. Nick Clegg... I am very disappointed in you. 

kiss goodbye x

I've just come to terms with the fact that I've lost a best friend.

I've lost that best friend to a relationship. To a boy she met about four months ago.

To a boy who made her cry tears just a week or two in.. tears I dried.

I could go on with this 'to a boy' theme and write lots of disparaging comments about him but that won't get my friend back....
because it doesn't matter how much I (or the rest of her friends for that matter) hate him - it only matters that SHE is giddy in love with him, although she admits readily that her relationship isn't making her happy and that every day is a struggle.

I've watched the life literally drain out of her. I used to see this girl on average, three times a week.... now?... The last time I saw her was a month ago... and when I did? She was pale, drawn - she looked exhausted - it was horrible. The night ended badly - he caused a scene and she cried. But it was us, her friends who she ignored and didn't make contact with afterwards... she stayed holed up with him in their little two-dom; unhealthy as ever.

Thing is though... you can't force someone to care.
We only asked her to put herself first sometimes. She couldn't even do that.

But now, no matter what happens? She'll never again be the person I thought she was - and isn't that a bitch. Hurts doesn't it... maybe I put too much time and love and effort and belief, maybe even expectation into my friends - but I going to continue to do some because even though it hurts... I'd rather know where I stand.

Tori Laid Bare.

Me.. Right Now.. Present Tense.

I like the smell of rain on a hot day and the sound of rain when I’m safe indoors.

If it comes in pink (or white) I’ll always go for that option.

I don’t like butter or cream or milk… though I can handle a small smear of butter on toast and skimmed milk in cereal – but that’s kinda it. The cream thing doesn’t extend to ice cream however – that, I love.

I have an uncontrollable crush on Zac Efron. But joining the list recently have been Channing Tatum (particularly in Dear John) and Paul Walker.

I fall fast and kinda easy but there are parts of me I take an eternity to show.

I am fiercely loyal to my friends and family and their hurt or pain frustrates me more than my own. I have cried tears for a boy friend who is like a brother to me, when he couldn’t bring himself to.

I love corn muffins from New York Delis. It’s a good job I don’t live there anymore.

Speaking of junk food, I miss the McDonalds Chicken Premiere burger and I know Athina Andrelos does too.

I will never get over Tony, the CHEF in Hollyoaks pronouncing focaccia as fok-a-chee-ah and thinking that that was fine.

I can SOB at the television, from when the wrong Dorothy leaves ‘Over the Rainbow’ to footage of the candlelit procession following Harvey Milk’s assassination. If it touches me or catches me off guard – I’m a gonner. I cry hard and I genuinely care.

Films or TV programmes can stay with me for days afterwards (one film that did this really unexpectedly was ‘Alpha Dog’ – I found that so disturbing).

My Mum really is (one of) my best friend(s) and I hate when people just say that willy nilly – anyone who knows us – will know how true it is of us two and how lucky I am to have her as my mother. She is a phenomenal lady.

I believe that there is truth in your starsign affecting how you behave as a person.

When it comes to sleeping I have to be either by the wall or furthest away from the front door. Same with a coach or plane or train – I have to sit by the window. I also like to sit in the middle at the cinema or theatre if I can. When a friend teased me on it I fired back ‘I didn’t have two parents – I missed out’ – probably a load of bollocks but it’s a good one for shutting someone up! They’ll call you a dickhead and then let you have your way. I’m good at that :)

I don’t believe you can hate someone unless you’ve loved them at least a little, at some point in your life. Because otherwise you just don’t care. (the exception however is if that person killed someone you love or something ridiculous like that). But for instance when people harp on about HATING their exes and being TOTALLY over them. Bullshit. You only hate when you’re irked by the fact that a part of you still cares. The day you really don’t care, is the day you’re over it.

I don’t think that all babies are cute…. Sorry. Some are just ugly.

It really annoys me that so many people overlook Cheryl Cole’s lame arse singing ability just because she’s pretty. Sure, I have her album – I fancy her as much as the rest of us – but I’m not going to lie and say she’s a great singer and deserves to be judging people on the X Factor when she isn’t and she doesn’t. I also refuse to be brainwashed by Simon Cowell’s subliminal messaging and start referring to her smoke and mirrors performances as ‘world class’, ‘sensational’ or ‘phenomenal’ – you go see Beyonce live and then you get back to me.

I love Beyonce. That’s talent. She glows. Her talent as a performer is as incredible as her singing ability. She’s flawless, she pushes boundaries, strives to outdo herself and succeeds every time…. And above all that she reamins graceful, humble and keeps her personal life out of the limelight. TRUE star. There’s no-one like her and I am proud that she is one of the icons of our generation. (I also really respect GaGa and Kylie for the way they carry themselves and because I believe they’re genuinely passionate about music and don’t rely on their celebrity to sell records).

I am lucky to have friends who inspire me every day.

I don’t believe in the death penalty. Eye for an eye and all that. There’ve been mistakes. However, I do believe that life should mean life and that their conditions should be rotten!

I don’t understand prejudice. I don’t understand in particular how a minority group who have suffered prejudice can pick on another. Eg. A black man hating a homosexual man – sorry? I also hate how prejudice slips into every day life, like people thinking it’s ok to say ‘paki shop’ – no.. no it isn’t. It drives me NUTS when people I love say it.

Shayne Ward is a guilty secret of mine and I did purchase his album for 26p from Amazon - BARGAIN! However, he probably wouldn't be that chuffed about that. It makes me so happy though cos it's pure cheesy pop - great hooks and all about generic love and stuff - totally easy to relate to. He makes me smile :)

I've learnt to expect nothing... and then you can't lose...

Though it's not always that easy.

i'm not the easiest person to read or to understand but i'm one of the most genuine you'll meet. I mean everything i say. if i don't think it i won't say it. I don't say things for affect or cos i think it's the right thing to say. I'll never hurt someones feelings but at the same time i won't lie to you.
ie. 'is this orange and lime green kaftan.. these hot pink tights and yellow shows alright together'........... 'ummm babe.... why don't u try this dress on. It'd look wicked on you' would be my answer. No meaness.. but i am NOT letting u go out like that.

I LOVE Victoria's Secret.. and not just because we share a name... I love that they ALSO have a range called PINK. Could it be anymore perfect? However, I HATE that it's coming to the UK. It'll get rinsed by chavs now.

Justin Timberlake was always my dream man. I don't even really fancy him anymore but just for the principle.. I def. would.

I love britney and I wish she was ok.

I love girls aloud and I am not ashamed. But I think it's time Cheryl stopped hanging off Simon, I think Nadine needs to get back from L.A.... and stop making the others pretend their happy being the 'other three' - sorry... a presenter, an actor and a fashionista............ right?! Also - I could do with them all eating a burger or two. Thanks.

I don't think much of Victoria Beckham but I def fancy her husband, more circa 2002 however - the Vodafone advert faze. Yum.

I am a sucker for blue eyes.

I love Ibiza more than words can describe.

However, my last holiday there wasn't the best - so I am looking forward to putting that right. 

I always tend to drink Vodka, Diet Coke but I think I prefer it with lemonade and lime.

I love nights in as much as nights out but I don't know if anyone believes that?

I want a nice house, a partner who i love whole heartedly who loves me equally.. who I still fancy years later anddddddd who makes me laugh... and lots of kids... I want stairs in my house and a garden.. cos i've spent most of my life in a flat... I want a busy house with my kids friends round all the time.. and i want to provide for them all the things they want. I want that more than anything.

I can't ride a bike. *blushes*

All the good ones are gay.

I hate the ignorance surrounding aids. Having lost people to the illness and having spent time with them throughout the illness it's something I feel I can comment on.... very few people can say that but many have an opinion. Often a really stupid one.

I wish people respected each other more.

Without music I think i'd pretty much hate life. Behind a mic... i'm home. It's so odd to me that people who don't do it will never fully understand it but that's why it's so nice to have friends who perform. I also really respect people who don't do it......... but get it. I like that in anybody, regarding anything. An open mind. An imagination and a willingness to learn and to understand.

I am in love with Freddie and Cook from Skins. No, like, really.

Rihanna is too buff.

I pretty much live in my Uggs and I need to get over it now it's getting warmer.

I like the Kardashians and I enjoy watching The Hills which irritates my mum a lot.

I love that I was born in New York and I think dual nationality is the sex.

Trust and Loyalty is a HUGE deal to me - and I hate feeling I don't have that in somebody I love - it makes me really uncomfortable - because that's something I can promise my friends.

I hate girls that are all about men... and who will change around them and who need a boyfriend and who will dump friends repeatedly. I wouldn't want to be with someone who didn't understand that my friends were important. I also hope that he would love my friends in time also.

I have a love/hate with these reality talent shows ..... I wish they weren't so fickle and formulaic but at the same times beggars can't be choosers and I think you have to try every avenue nowadays. 

I tried to hate JLS for a really long time but I just don't. They're not the best singers but they're polished performers and their songs are catchy.

I feel like i'm on a good path.................................... I'm not there yet... but i'm on my way... and i'm doing it on my own terms, and that feels kinda good... on that note, I love people who get off their arse and DO IT - we can all procrastinate but how shit is it to look back at all that time you wasted? We don't have forever... so let's make the most of now.

That's it for now... give me a day... it'll probably all be different.

Tori x

A Letter to My 17 Year Old Self

I learned the truth at seventeen;

That love was meant for Beauty Queens..

and High School girls with clear skinned smiles..

Who married young and then retired.

I chose seventeen because I think this was the age I started to learn who I was but I was kind of afraid of it because it was stepping out of a box I’d been in. I think it’s the age I started to accept these ‘friends’ of mine at college (not all, but a majority) weren’t really friends at all, but people I was lumped together with and so of course we had stuff in common; we were forced to... but when the timetables and lunch breaks and registration times were over?- would there be anything left? I think I'd started to realise that there was a big bad world out there and I was excited to dive in but scared shitless at the same time. I think seventeen year old me would have benefited from the me six years on the most.

So, here goes.... First of all? All this weight you’re always planning to lose – quit worrying – you’ll be SAYING you’re going to loose it your whole life and you’ll be up and down and have days that you cry about being obese but it's ok because it won't really hold you back any and you’re not obese (even though I still find this hard to say or believe!) you’re a curvy girl – you will ALWAYS have thighs. Embrace it. Beyonce and Alicia Keys will come along and make you feel a whole lot better about that thigh meat though… and as for that management company who tell you you need to drop a ton of weight – you were right to fight them on it – Adele is about to get a record deal. You’ll understand what I mean when you see her.

Those ‘cool’ girls right now that you hang out with but who make you feel completely inadequate? Six years from now their lives wont have changed… they’ll still hang out in the same group and they’ll still backstab and bitch about each other and compare dress sizes and pick at each other. You’ll see them from time to time and realise their lives are pretty much the same, only the World is a far bigger place than school and Queen Bees don’t do so well out of their original habitat. They don’t seem so special next to the millions of other people getting on with their daily lives. Some of them will even be with the same guys, only engaged now – and fatter and a little more boring. They’ll probably still bitch about you but it’s cool because you wont care anymore; and what’s really nice is, when you see the girls classed as ‘sad’ or ‘weird’ you’ll be able to smile and be glad that you weren’t a complete bitch to them, cos some of those girls? – they’re really cool people now.

And what’s more- the friends you have now? Well; they’re out of this world. They’re beautiful and passionate and talented and funny and all the things anyone would ever want to be – they’ll always have your back and you’ll know each other inside out and you’ll count your lucky stars every day that you found them… it’ll take you a while to learn who they are (try six years!) but you will.

Some people will come into your life that you’ll think will be there forever; they won't.... but dry your tears and know that there’s only better coming. They were just the warm up act.

As for that boy? The one you’ve been obsessed with for like three years. He’ll break up with that silly girlfriend once and for all and you’ll bump into each other completely by accident in a couple of years, and you’ll date and you’ll have a ball but YOU’LL be the one who walks away from it because he left you on the shelf too long back then and truth is – you’ve grown. It’ll be fun while it lasts, but you’ll crave more – ain't that good to know? However, he’ll be everything you'd hoped he’d be and more and you’ll still look back with a fond smile. (You'll actually see him in the street days after writing this blog -which will remind you to post it!)

That’s proof enough that you won’t be an ‘old maid’ like you always brand yourself and you won’t be alone with only cats for company. It’s ridiculous that you even say these things, you’re still practically a child – and don’t roll your eyes, you are, you won’t even feel grown up at 23 so don’t you dare be all cocky now! Anyway; you’ll have a couple of significant boys in your life…

There’s one guy you’re about to meet; it’ll end messily and you’ll wonder if you’ll ever see him again, you will – it will always be unfinished business. He’ll laugh one night as he asks you, ‘will I ever be able to run my fingers through your hair?’ – the answer is YES! You will stop using all those silly gels and you’ll manage to wear your hair STRAIGHT! It’s true!

You’ll feel like you’ll never get over that boy; but you will – there’ll always be a spark and even I can’t tell you how it plays out, but six years on you’ll be in touch, you’ll know each other are there but you’ll have already fallen far deeper for someone else.

That’s right – you’ll have a boyfriend; you’ll meet him first when your 18 but you wont get together until your 21.... you’ll give him the best part of two years… it won't work out but do it anyway because you’ll learn so much. You’ll fall hard and you’ll learn – you’ll become someone you never thought you’d be – but when the time is right, you’ll get out. You’ll hurt and you’ll cry but you’ll mend and most of all grow.

You need to get off your arse and be more proactive about auditions and stuff. You should sign a END BY MUTUAL AGREEMENT deal on your contract with your management but you wont; and you’ll get locked into it for two years. This will be one of your lowest points but you’ll pull through it, and you’ll certainly know for next time. You ARE going to face rejection but don’t let it get you down so much; it’s not that you’re shit – it could be anything, they could have wanted a skinny blonde and you’ll never be that so don’t beat yourself up about it. What's even nicer is, by now – some of your goals and dreams will have already come true, fate is on your side sometimes – there will be things that work out so perfectly that you’re SURE they were meant.

You WILL speak to your Dad again, and don't resist it – you’ll learn a lot about yourself, you need to know where you come from – 'who you are' and who you are is a part of him whether you like it or not. You’ll learn that he’s not so bad; it’s just that some people aren’t cut out for certain roles; he didn’t know HOW to be a father – but it doesn’t make him a shit person. Parents are only human, and all humans suffer inadequacies... nothing can gaurantee you'll make a good parent - but you struck gold, your Mum is THE BEST. This may be hard to believe but years from now it’ll be far more painful for him than it is for you. You wont want to shout or cry at him anymore; you’ll have dealt with it and he’ll have to live with that –he’ll have to live with his own guilt.... so go easy on him, he’s a sweetheart really.

A Black president will come into power, though he’s actually mixed race and it will still annoy you that people don’t acknowledge that in him (or in you – but that’s a whole other blog) – anyway you’ll be surprised how happy and proud you feel when you're at a Beyonce concert and she sings 'At Last' to perfection with huge footage of Barack and Michelle Obama dancing (as if they were really there) at the inauguration. When Beyonce punches the air with her fists and smiles the most genuine smile on earth, you’ll realise that sometimes, this is a wonderful world and that dreams do come true, and that the fight really is worth it, in the long run. Good Luck Little One. x

To those of us who knew the pain

Of valentines that never came...

And those whose names were never called

When choosing sides for basketball.

It was long ago and far away;

the world was younger than today

when dreams were all they gave for free

to ugly duckling girls like me...

- Janis Ian, At Seventeen

Skinned

So; it's the final episode this week and to be honest, i'm kind of sad about it and I will miss this latest line up of 'up and comings' more than I thought I would. Series 4 of SKINS upped it's game a bit. Kaya Scodelario certainly knows how to play a pyscho to a T, Ollie Barbieri is possibly a little underrated, Luca Pasqualino is completely delicious to look at but also plays moody, 'fun sponge, Freddie beautifully, Merville Lukeba was as adorable as ever and Jack O'Connell, well; someone give that boy an award for his interpretation of loveable, chav rogue 'Cook'.

'If your shag's just a shag - you're always gonna get your heart ripped out somwhere.... You just burn kid.... Just burn.... Just keep it on the inside' - Cook

I have a fair few 'best bits' from this series..... of course Cook's episode was always going to be a highlight, Effy drove me pretty mad but I was happy to see her and Freddie FINALLY get it on (more for Freddie's sake; though it wasn't a good move, seeing as he ended up dying and all that).... the opening was of course incredible (though the rest of the episode was a BIT of a let down) and SKINS managed to do it again with the shock factor, watching a teenage girl throw herself off a banister in a club way over its capacity.... I even found myself in tears at Katie's episode, pleading with her mum to be there for her as she struggled coping with her premature menopause :( - seeing as I don't even really like the twins, this was quite an achievement and even I had to hand it to them then that maybe this cast do have talent (still think 'Naomi' is a bit wooden however).

I think what I like most about SKINS is that even though it does go a little over the top sometimes, it's not afraid to explore the fact that teenagers feelings are sometimes the most intense and deep of all; teens are dismissed as not knowing enough, being immature, nieve - however, SKINS builds complex webs between these 'friends' - and takes us along for the ride; and even us 'adults' can find ourselves relating to the journeys they're on. Truth is, we all did learn a lot in our teens- it's probably the first time we got our hearts broken, first time we started to feel 'crazy in love', first time we felt betrayal, first time we felt the true weight of 'guilt' over silly decisions we made..........

'I went crazy when I was with you - I can't let that happen again. Love's not supposed to do that. You made me go mad.'

'And you're making me mad now, Effy; and that's exactly what love's supposed to do'.

I love how you can get lost in SKINS.... Sometimes it works the same way as a play, partly thanks to the beautiful filming - you're literally transported, you can see the hairs stand up on their arms (beautiful shot in series three between Freddie/Effy) - you can feel that moment before the kiss, that swirl in their stomachs, that swell in their jeans............... when SKINS hits the spot, it hits it good and hard - and totally right.

What also doesn't hurt is the sheer ridiculous BEAUTY of those young boys! Who I will officially admit I completely perv over on a regular basis and will miss hardcore on a Thursday night. Cook is probably every girls dream 'friend with benefits' (though you'd have to seriously catch yourself from falling) and Freddie, well, I'd happily marry him, if he weren't dead (we'll get on to that) - my obsession with 'Luca Pasqualino' has hit new heights, I reckon I could look at him all day! Even 'JJ' scrubs up a treat, and 'Thomas' is the cutest thing i've ever seen in my life! I wish the boys i'd gone to college with had been so brave and forthcoming - I would have had a whole lot more fun; but maybe that's where I remember it's scripted.

'We fucking know each other Effy. The fucking world knows us. So cut the fucking shit'.

My one complaint is probably Freddie's death. WTF? Why do you have to kill that beautiful boy.. and so brutally - murdered? With a baseball bat? I'm not sure how appropriate it really was? Especially with Effy trying to kill herself the episode before. I should've seen it coming really, my favourite character from the first couple of series, 'Chris' died in the second to last episode of series two, so there's clearly a format here.

'She broke my heart man'.

'she broke my heart as well..... you broke my heart. I bet you've broken hers at some point. So what are we gonna do? Are we just three losers screwing each other forever or are we something better than that. Fuck mate, grow up - cos i'm done here.'

So - Freddie did grow up; and he ended up getting beaten to death by a pyschopath. Wicked. I can't help but think that Skins could've pulled out all the stops without a death but it was shocking and moving and cleverly done (if not a little bit horror movie) all the same. But from now on; no more favourites... it hurts too much.

R.I.P FREDDIE

I'm keen to see how they tie it all up; i'm sure it'll be a sad and beautiful last episode and a lovely send off for this current cast, who I at first thought had nothing on the first lot, but unsurprisingly and rather predictably I have grown completely attached to. I don't want a new lot, but i'm sure i'll fall in love with them too. I rarely follow tv programmes, I even came to SKINS late, I borrowed the box set of series one and two from one of my best friends when I was ill; this was at least a year ago.. and it's still sitting in my house!.... Yeah; I was hooked and my obsession has continuted ever since, and series three and four didn't dissappoint. I sat over lunch with a friend after episode one of this series and we listed the things they had left to cover ... (seeing as the first two series dealt with death of a friend, death of a parent, divorce, getting hit by a bus etc) the list was....

1. Prison (Cook- saw that one coming.)

2. Suicide (they pretty much managed this on the first episode.... Then again with attempted suicide - Effy)

3. Pregnancy but actually 'keeping it' (kind of - JJ gets a girlfriend with a baby)

4. A Happy Ending - (looked like it with Eff and Freddie, for two minutes. But they had to screw that one up. Will they EVER manage it?)

Murder, is one we didn't guess..... As was early menopause and bankruptcy... They manged to surprise us!

I just wonder what five and six are going to have left to cover; sure they'll manage something however!

'People do stupid things when they try to act like their not trapped' - Mr Fitch

So I guess it's time to say goodbye to this beautiful cast of SKINS and I wish them well; the majority of the last cast kind of sunk without a trace; but I have higher hopes for this lot - there's something edgy and exciting about them - I think there are a few specials in there... and I am 100% convinced that Jack O'Connell will get the recognition he deserves, his talent is out of this world; head and sholders above the rest.

Goodbye Crazy Love.

Goodbye Beautiful Boys (Grow up fast please so I can quit feeling like a pervert).

Goodbye mental Effy who I kinda hated (as a character) but my, my - what a beauty.

Goodbye Wonderful Quotes (amazing writers).

Goodbye Wise Cook.

Goodbye SLIGHTLY over the top teen drug abuse!

Goodbye Ridiculous College; with faculty such as Will Young.

Goodbye Wicked Soundtrack.

Goodbye Thursday Night Cheer.

I'll Miss You ................. Hard.

'Do what you can now - forget what wasn't done then' - Freddie's Grandpa

PRICK V PERFECT

(This is actually something I wrote last summer......)

So, why do men create situations for themselves, only to then panic and desperately find ways to escape their own doing? I was once asked by a guy, completely baffled, ‘what do you expect from me?’, to which I responded, ‘Only what you promise me’.
Why is that so difficult for them to comprehend?
Don’t promise it. I won’t expect it.
Don’t offer it. I won’t wait for it.
Don’t tell me it. I won’t believe it.

Actions speak so much louder than words, yet they insist on shouting louder and louder until we take notice, only to un-do all their good work and effort by proving something entirely different to what their saying, usually in one very small action.

It’s very simple. If you want to be with someone, you will be. If you want to make time for someone, you will do. If you want to be there for someone, you can be. There are no ifs or buts or excuses, and if you let a person down, it’s very easy to make it up to them.

So why do I and the majority (if not all of) my female friends find ourselves in the same situations all the time. Men in our lives have said one thing and done another, or everything has been going perfectly, they’ve said it’s what they wanted and then all of a sudden backed off, or it’s been going perfectly- so they act up, almost a self destruct method – if they fuck it up first, then we can’t.

The other thing I don’t get is why they make it harder for themselves? So, their actions have shown they’re not that bothered…. so you confront them. Not even angrily- maybe totally calmly, with a mature head on, and you let them know they’ve made it quite clear- you get it, they’re not interested, not bothered, (whatever) but then rather than just take the easy way out, grab your offer of an easy exit and run – they decide to argue….

‘No you are special’, ‘I’ve just been busy’, ‘I don’t want to lose you’, whatever bullshit reason they choose to throw at you.

Thing is, that only gives us false hope and puts them in an even harder situation, now with even more to prove; and maybe we’re morons but who can blame us if we’re unable to (or just don’t want to) believe they could go from perfect to prick in the space of a day/week/month/maybe year (if you’re lucky)? But, there we go setting ourselves up for the next fall, the next hit, the next rejection.

But if they really didn’t care – they’d walk away wouldn’t they? Maybe not. But is that because they truly care about you? Or because they just don’t want to burn their bridges?

Since when did a little bit of upfront honesty become so difficult – surely it’d be so much easier for all involved? Too many girls I know have wound up in the same situation – we can’t ALL be misreading the signals or making the same mistakes, can we?

I decide I overanalyse too much, so I try to walk away from these situations, but when I do? I’m bombarded. ‘Why are you being like this?’, ‘What’s the problem?’ – is that because there’s a deeper rooted meaning behind their dismissive behaviour, could it be their scared to open up or to embark on a new relationship, is it THAT good that it freaks them out – or is it the age old – want what you can’t have? Am I a better catch when they think they might lose me? Surely not, if I was worth pushing away in the first place?

So – I wait it out. Leave the ball in his court. But maybe I’ll never know? Maybe it’s the bunny boiler girl that wins, the girl that pushes them into being with her, but who wants a boyfriend thanks to ‘pity’. Or maybe I should be the ‘fuck you’ girl that stands her ground until the bitter end, even if she ends up with nothing. Maybe leaving the ball in his court will amount to what I want – eventually. Or maybe it makes it easier for him to run away. But either way, I gave it my all – I gave it every chance, and any guilt can hang on his shoulders, and I may not have screamed all the abuse tangled up in my heart, but at least I walk away with some dignity and I may not have told him every last loving emotion, but at least I have something more to give – should he decide to give us a chance.

And so, I’ll wait. I’ll wait in case the prick turns back into perfect. He might have been willing to lose me, but I’m not willing to lose what I think he can be.

(he stayed a prick............ just for the record)