A Letter to My 17 Year Old Self

I learned the truth at seventeen;

That love was meant for Beauty Queens..

and High School girls with clear skinned smiles..

Who married young and then retired.

I chose seventeen because I think this was the age I started to learn who I was but I was kind of afraid of it because it was stepping out of a box I’d been in. I think it’s the age I started to accept these ‘friends’ of mine at college (not all, but a majority) weren’t really friends at all, but people I was lumped together with and so of course we had stuff in common; we were forced to... but when the timetables and lunch breaks and registration times were over?- would there be anything left? I think I'd started to realise that there was a big bad world out there and I was excited to dive in but scared shitless at the same time. I think seventeen year old me would have benefited from the me six years on the most.

So, here goes.... First of all? All this weight you’re always planning to lose – quit worrying – you’ll be SAYING you’re going to loose it your whole life and you’ll be up and down and have days that you cry about being obese but it's ok because it won't really hold you back any and you’re not obese (even though I still find this hard to say or believe!) you’re a curvy girl – you will ALWAYS have thighs. Embrace it. Beyonce and Alicia Keys will come along and make you feel a whole lot better about that thigh meat though… and as for that management company who tell you you need to drop a ton of weight – you were right to fight them on it – Adele is about to get a record deal. You’ll understand what I mean when you see her.

Those ‘cool’ girls right now that you hang out with but who make you feel completely inadequate? Six years from now their lives wont have changed… they’ll still hang out in the same group and they’ll still backstab and bitch about each other and compare dress sizes and pick at each other. You’ll see them from time to time and realise their lives are pretty much the same, only the World is a far bigger place than school and Queen Bees don’t do so well out of their original habitat. They don’t seem so special next to the millions of other people getting on with their daily lives. Some of them will even be with the same guys, only engaged now – and fatter and a little more boring. They’ll probably still bitch about you but it’s cool because you wont care anymore; and what’s really nice is, when you see the girls classed as ‘sad’ or ‘weird’ you’ll be able to smile and be glad that you weren’t a complete bitch to them, cos some of those girls? – they’re really cool people now.

And what’s more- the friends you have now? Well; they’re out of this world. They’re beautiful and passionate and talented and funny and all the things anyone would ever want to be – they’ll always have your back and you’ll know each other inside out and you’ll count your lucky stars every day that you found them… it’ll take you a while to learn who they are (try six years!) but you will.

Some people will come into your life that you’ll think will be there forever; they won't.... but dry your tears and know that there’s only better coming. They were just the warm up act.

As for that boy? The one you’ve been obsessed with for like three years. He’ll break up with that silly girlfriend once and for all and you’ll bump into each other completely by accident in a couple of years, and you’ll date and you’ll have a ball but YOU’LL be the one who walks away from it because he left you on the shelf too long back then and truth is – you’ve grown. It’ll be fun while it lasts, but you’ll crave more – ain't that good to know? However, he’ll be everything you'd hoped he’d be and more and you’ll still look back with a fond smile. (You'll actually see him in the street days after writing this blog -which will remind you to post it!)

That’s proof enough that you won’t be an ‘old maid’ like you always brand yourself and you won’t be alone with only cats for company. It’s ridiculous that you even say these things, you’re still practically a child – and don’t roll your eyes, you are, you won’t even feel grown up at 23 so don’t you dare be all cocky now! Anyway; you’ll have a couple of significant boys in your life…

There’s one guy you’re about to meet; it’ll end messily and you’ll wonder if you’ll ever see him again, you will – it will always be unfinished business. He’ll laugh one night as he asks you, ‘will I ever be able to run my fingers through your hair?’ – the answer is YES! You will stop using all those silly gels and you’ll manage to wear your hair STRAIGHT! It’s true!

You’ll feel like you’ll never get over that boy; but you will – there’ll always be a spark and even I can’t tell you how it plays out, but six years on you’ll be in touch, you’ll know each other are there but you’ll have already fallen far deeper for someone else.

That’s right – you’ll have a boyfriend; you’ll meet him first when your 18 but you wont get together until your 21.... you’ll give him the best part of two years… it won't work out but do it anyway because you’ll learn so much. You’ll fall hard and you’ll learn – you’ll become someone you never thought you’d be – but when the time is right, you’ll get out. You’ll hurt and you’ll cry but you’ll mend and most of all grow.

You need to get off your arse and be more proactive about auditions and stuff. You should sign a END BY MUTUAL AGREEMENT deal on your contract with your management but you wont; and you’ll get locked into it for two years. This will be one of your lowest points but you’ll pull through it, and you’ll certainly know for next time. You ARE going to face rejection but don’t let it get you down so much; it’s not that you’re shit – it could be anything, they could have wanted a skinny blonde and you’ll never be that so don’t beat yourself up about it. What's even nicer is, by now – some of your goals and dreams will have already come true, fate is on your side sometimes – there will be things that work out so perfectly that you’re SURE they were meant.

You WILL speak to your Dad again, and don't resist it – you’ll learn a lot about yourself, you need to know where you come from – 'who you are' and who you are is a part of him whether you like it or not. You’ll learn that he’s not so bad; it’s just that some people aren’t cut out for certain roles; he didn’t know HOW to be a father – but it doesn’t make him a shit person. Parents are only human, and all humans suffer inadequacies... nothing can gaurantee you'll make a good parent - but you struck gold, your Mum is THE BEST. This may be hard to believe but years from now it’ll be far more painful for him than it is for you. You wont want to shout or cry at him anymore; you’ll have dealt with it and he’ll have to live with that –he’ll have to live with his own guilt.... so go easy on him, he’s a sweetheart really.

A Black president will come into power, though he’s actually mixed race and it will still annoy you that people don’t acknowledge that in him (or in you – but that’s a whole other blog) – anyway you’ll be surprised how happy and proud you feel when you're at a Beyonce concert and she sings 'At Last' to perfection with huge footage of Barack and Michelle Obama dancing (as if they were really there) at the inauguration. When Beyonce punches the air with her fists and smiles the most genuine smile on earth, you’ll realise that sometimes, this is a wonderful world and that dreams do come true, and that the fight really is worth it, in the long run. Good Luck Little One. x

To those of us who knew the pain

Of valentines that never came...

And those whose names were never called

When choosing sides for basketball.

It was long ago and far away;

the world was younger than today

when dreams were all they gave for free

to ugly duckling girls like me...

- Janis Ian, At Seventeen