A Letter to My 17 Year Old Self

I learned the truth at seventeen;

That love was meant for Beauty Queens..

and High School girls with clear skinned smiles..

Who married young and then retired.

I chose seventeen because I think this was the age I started to learn who I was but I was kind of afraid of it because it was stepping out of a box I’d been in. I think it’s the age I started to accept these ‘friends’ of mine at college (not all, but a majority) weren’t really friends at all, but people I was lumped together with and so of course we had stuff in common; we were forced to... but when the timetables and lunch breaks and registration times were over?- would there be anything left? I think I'd started to realise that there was a big bad world out there and I was excited to dive in but scared shitless at the same time. I think seventeen year old me would have benefited from the me six years on the most.

So, here goes.... First of all? All this weight you’re always planning to lose – quit worrying – you’ll be SAYING you’re going to loose it your whole life and you’ll be up and down and have days that you cry about being obese but it's ok because it won't really hold you back any and you’re not obese (even though I still find this hard to say or believe!) you’re a curvy girl – you will ALWAYS have thighs. Embrace it. Beyonce and Alicia Keys will come along and make you feel a whole lot better about that thigh meat though… and as for that management company who tell you you need to drop a ton of weight – you were right to fight them on it – Adele is about to get a record deal. You’ll understand what I mean when you see her.

Those ‘cool’ girls right now that you hang out with but who make you feel completely inadequate? Six years from now their lives wont have changed… they’ll still hang out in the same group and they’ll still backstab and bitch about each other and compare dress sizes and pick at each other. You’ll see them from time to time and realise their lives are pretty much the same, only the World is a far bigger place than school and Queen Bees don’t do so well out of their original habitat. They don’t seem so special next to the millions of other people getting on with their daily lives. Some of them will even be with the same guys, only engaged now – and fatter and a little more boring. They’ll probably still bitch about you but it’s cool because you wont care anymore; and what’s really nice is, when you see the girls classed as ‘sad’ or ‘weird’ you’ll be able to smile and be glad that you weren’t a complete bitch to them, cos some of those girls? – they’re really cool people now.

And what’s more- the friends you have now? Well; they’re out of this world. They’re beautiful and passionate and talented and funny and all the things anyone would ever want to be – they’ll always have your back and you’ll know each other inside out and you’ll count your lucky stars every day that you found them… it’ll take you a while to learn who they are (try six years!) but you will.

Some people will come into your life that you’ll think will be there forever; they won't.... but dry your tears and know that there’s only better coming. They were just the warm up act.

As for that boy? The one you’ve been obsessed with for like three years. He’ll break up with that silly girlfriend once and for all and you’ll bump into each other completely by accident in a couple of years, and you’ll date and you’ll have a ball but YOU’LL be the one who walks away from it because he left you on the shelf too long back then and truth is – you’ve grown. It’ll be fun while it lasts, but you’ll crave more – ain't that good to know? However, he’ll be everything you'd hoped he’d be and more and you’ll still look back with a fond smile. (You'll actually see him in the street days after writing this blog -which will remind you to post it!)

That’s proof enough that you won’t be an ‘old maid’ like you always brand yourself and you won’t be alone with only cats for company. It’s ridiculous that you even say these things, you’re still practically a child – and don’t roll your eyes, you are, you won’t even feel grown up at 23 so don’t you dare be all cocky now! Anyway; you’ll have a couple of significant boys in your life…

There’s one guy you’re about to meet; it’ll end messily and you’ll wonder if you’ll ever see him again, you will – it will always be unfinished business. He’ll laugh one night as he asks you, ‘will I ever be able to run my fingers through your hair?’ – the answer is YES! You will stop using all those silly gels and you’ll manage to wear your hair STRAIGHT! It’s true!

You’ll feel like you’ll never get over that boy; but you will – there’ll always be a spark and even I can’t tell you how it plays out, but six years on you’ll be in touch, you’ll know each other are there but you’ll have already fallen far deeper for someone else.

That’s right – you’ll have a boyfriend; you’ll meet him first when your 18 but you wont get together until your 21.... you’ll give him the best part of two years… it won't work out but do it anyway because you’ll learn so much. You’ll fall hard and you’ll learn – you’ll become someone you never thought you’d be – but when the time is right, you’ll get out. You’ll hurt and you’ll cry but you’ll mend and most of all grow.

You need to get off your arse and be more proactive about auditions and stuff. You should sign a END BY MUTUAL AGREEMENT deal on your contract with your management but you wont; and you’ll get locked into it for two years. This will be one of your lowest points but you’ll pull through it, and you’ll certainly know for next time. You ARE going to face rejection but don’t let it get you down so much; it’s not that you’re shit – it could be anything, they could have wanted a skinny blonde and you’ll never be that so don’t beat yourself up about it. What's even nicer is, by now – some of your goals and dreams will have already come true, fate is on your side sometimes – there will be things that work out so perfectly that you’re SURE they were meant.

You WILL speak to your Dad again, and don't resist it – you’ll learn a lot about yourself, you need to know where you come from – 'who you are' and who you are is a part of him whether you like it or not. You’ll learn that he’s not so bad; it’s just that some people aren’t cut out for certain roles; he didn’t know HOW to be a father – but it doesn’t make him a shit person. Parents are only human, and all humans suffer inadequacies... nothing can gaurantee you'll make a good parent - but you struck gold, your Mum is THE BEST. This may be hard to believe but years from now it’ll be far more painful for him than it is for you. You wont want to shout or cry at him anymore; you’ll have dealt with it and he’ll have to live with that –he’ll have to live with his own guilt.... so go easy on him, he’s a sweetheart really.

A Black president will come into power, though he’s actually mixed race and it will still annoy you that people don’t acknowledge that in him (or in you – but that’s a whole other blog) – anyway you’ll be surprised how happy and proud you feel when you're at a Beyonce concert and she sings 'At Last' to perfection with huge footage of Barack and Michelle Obama dancing (as if they were really there) at the inauguration. When Beyonce punches the air with her fists and smiles the most genuine smile on earth, you’ll realise that sometimes, this is a wonderful world and that dreams do come true, and that the fight really is worth it, in the long run. Good Luck Little One. x

To those of us who knew the pain

Of valentines that never came...

And those whose names were never called

When choosing sides for basketball.

It was long ago and far away;

the world was younger than today

when dreams were all they gave for free

to ugly duckling girls like me...

- Janis Ian, At Seventeen

Skinned

So; it's the final episode this week and to be honest, i'm kind of sad about it and I will miss this latest line up of 'up and comings' more than I thought I would. Series 4 of SKINS upped it's game a bit. Kaya Scodelario certainly knows how to play a pyscho to a T, Ollie Barbieri is possibly a little underrated, Luca Pasqualino is completely delicious to look at but also plays moody, 'fun sponge, Freddie beautifully, Merville Lukeba was as adorable as ever and Jack O'Connell, well; someone give that boy an award for his interpretation of loveable, chav rogue 'Cook'.

'If your shag's just a shag - you're always gonna get your heart ripped out somwhere.... You just burn kid.... Just burn.... Just keep it on the inside' - Cook

I have a fair few 'best bits' from this series..... of course Cook's episode was always going to be a highlight, Effy drove me pretty mad but I was happy to see her and Freddie FINALLY get it on (more for Freddie's sake; though it wasn't a good move, seeing as he ended up dying and all that).... the opening was of course incredible (though the rest of the episode was a BIT of a let down) and SKINS managed to do it again with the shock factor, watching a teenage girl throw herself off a banister in a club way over its capacity.... I even found myself in tears at Katie's episode, pleading with her mum to be there for her as she struggled coping with her premature menopause :( - seeing as I don't even really like the twins, this was quite an achievement and even I had to hand it to them then that maybe this cast do have talent (still think 'Naomi' is a bit wooden however).

I think what I like most about SKINS is that even though it does go a little over the top sometimes, it's not afraid to explore the fact that teenagers feelings are sometimes the most intense and deep of all; teens are dismissed as not knowing enough, being immature, nieve - however, SKINS builds complex webs between these 'friends' - and takes us along for the ride; and even us 'adults' can find ourselves relating to the journeys they're on. Truth is, we all did learn a lot in our teens- it's probably the first time we got our hearts broken, first time we started to feel 'crazy in love', first time we felt betrayal, first time we felt the true weight of 'guilt' over silly decisions we made..........

'I went crazy when I was with you - I can't let that happen again. Love's not supposed to do that. You made me go mad.'

'And you're making me mad now, Effy; and that's exactly what love's supposed to do'.

I love how you can get lost in SKINS.... Sometimes it works the same way as a play, partly thanks to the beautiful filming - you're literally transported, you can see the hairs stand up on their arms (beautiful shot in series three between Freddie/Effy) - you can feel that moment before the kiss, that swirl in their stomachs, that swell in their jeans............... when SKINS hits the spot, it hits it good and hard - and totally right.

What also doesn't hurt is the sheer ridiculous BEAUTY of those young boys! Who I will officially admit I completely perv over on a regular basis and will miss hardcore on a Thursday night. Cook is probably every girls dream 'friend with benefits' (though you'd have to seriously catch yourself from falling) and Freddie, well, I'd happily marry him, if he weren't dead (we'll get on to that) - my obsession with 'Luca Pasqualino' has hit new heights, I reckon I could look at him all day! Even 'JJ' scrubs up a treat, and 'Thomas' is the cutest thing i've ever seen in my life! I wish the boys i'd gone to college with had been so brave and forthcoming - I would have had a whole lot more fun; but maybe that's where I remember it's scripted.

'We fucking know each other Effy. The fucking world knows us. So cut the fucking shit'.

My one complaint is probably Freddie's death. WTF? Why do you have to kill that beautiful boy.. and so brutally - murdered? With a baseball bat? I'm not sure how appropriate it really was? Especially with Effy trying to kill herself the episode before. I should've seen it coming really, my favourite character from the first couple of series, 'Chris' died in the second to last episode of series two, so there's clearly a format here.

'She broke my heart man'.

'she broke my heart as well..... you broke my heart. I bet you've broken hers at some point. So what are we gonna do? Are we just three losers screwing each other forever or are we something better than that. Fuck mate, grow up - cos i'm done here.'

So - Freddie did grow up; and he ended up getting beaten to death by a pyschopath. Wicked. I can't help but think that Skins could've pulled out all the stops without a death but it was shocking and moving and cleverly done (if not a little bit horror movie) all the same. But from now on; no more favourites... it hurts too much.

R.I.P FREDDIE

I'm keen to see how they tie it all up; i'm sure it'll be a sad and beautiful last episode and a lovely send off for this current cast, who I at first thought had nothing on the first lot, but unsurprisingly and rather predictably I have grown completely attached to. I don't want a new lot, but i'm sure i'll fall in love with them too. I rarely follow tv programmes, I even came to SKINS late, I borrowed the box set of series one and two from one of my best friends when I was ill; this was at least a year ago.. and it's still sitting in my house!.... Yeah; I was hooked and my obsession has continuted ever since, and series three and four didn't dissappoint. I sat over lunch with a friend after episode one of this series and we listed the things they had left to cover ... (seeing as the first two series dealt with death of a friend, death of a parent, divorce, getting hit by a bus etc) the list was....

1. Prison (Cook- saw that one coming.)

2. Suicide (they pretty much managed this on the first episode.... Then again with attempted suicide - Effy)

3. Pregnancy but actually 'keeping it' (kind of - JJ gets a girlfriend with a baby)

4. A Happy Ending - (looked like it with Eff and Freddie, for two minutes. But they had to screw that one up. Will they EVER manage it?)

Murder, is one we didn't guess..... As was early menopause and bankruptcy... They manged to surprise us!

I just wonder what five and six are going to have left to cover; sure they'll manage something however!

'People do stupid things when they try to act like their not trapped' - Mr Fitch

So I guess it's time to say goodbye to this beautiful cast of SKINS and I wish them well; the majority of the last cast kind of sunk without a trace; but I have higher hopes for this lot - there's something edgy and exciting about them - I think there are a few specials in there... and I am 100% convinced that Jack O'Connell will get the recognition he deserves, his talent is out of this world; head and sholders above the rest.

Goodbye Crazy Love.

Goodbye Beautiful Boys (Grow up fast please so I can quit feeling like a pervert).

Goodbye mental Effy who I kinda hated (as a character) but my, my - what a beauty.

Goodbye Wonderful Quotes (amazing writers).

Goodbye Wise Cook.

Goodbye SLIGHTLY over the top teen drug abuse!

Goodbye Ridiculous College; with faculty such as Will Young.

Goodbye Wicked Soundtrack.

Goodbye Thursday Night Cheer.

I'll Miss You ................. Hard.

'Do what you can now - forget what wasn't done then' - Freddie's Grandpa

PRICK V PERFECT

(This is actually something I wrote last summer......)

So, why do men create situations for themselves, only to then panic and desperately find ways to escape their own doing? I was once asked by a guy, completely baffled, ‘what do you expect from me?’, to which I responded, ‘Only what you promise me’.
Why is that so difficult for them to comprehend?
Don’t promise it. I won’t expect it.
Don’t offer it. I won’t wait for it.
Don’t tell me it. I won’t believe it.

Actions speak so much louder than words, yet they insist on shouting louder and louder until we take notice, only to un-do all their good work and effort by proving something entirely different to what their saying, usually in one very small action.

It’s very simple. If you want to be with someone, you will be. If you want to make time for someone, you will do. If you want to be there for someone, you can be. There are no ifs or buts or excuses, and if you let a person down, it’s very easy to make it up to them.

So why do I and the majority (if not all of) my female friends find ourselves in the same situations all the time. Men in our lives have said one thing and done another, or everything has been going perfectly, they’ve said it’s what they wanted and then all of a sudden backed off, or it’s been going perfectly- so they act up, almost a self destruct method – if they fuck it up first, then we can’t.

The other thing I don’t get is why they make it harder for themselves? So, their actions have shown they’re not that bothered…. so you confront them. Not even angrily- maybe totally calmly, with a mature head on, and you let them know they’ve made it quite clear- you get it, they’re not interested, not bothered, (whatever) but then rather than just take the easy way out, grab your offer of an easy exit and run – they decide to argue….

‘No you are special’, ‘I’ve just been busy’, ‘I don’t want to lose you’, whatever bullshit reason they choose to throw at you.

Thing is, that only gives us false hope and puts them in an even harder situation, now with even more to prove; and maybe we’re morons but who can blame us if we’re unable to (or just don’t want to) believe they could go from perfect to prick in the space of a day/week/month/maybe year (if you’re lucky)? But, there we go setting ourselves up for the next fall, the next hit, the next rejection.

But if they really didn’t care – they’d walk away wouldn’t they? Maybe not. But is that because they truly care about you? Or because they just don’t want to burn their bridges?

Since when did a little bit of upfront honesty become so difficult – surely it’d be so much easier for all involved? Too many girls I know have wound up in the same situation – we can’t ALL be misreading the signals or making the same mistakes, can we?

I decide I overanalyse too much, so I try to walk away from these situations, but when I do? I’m bombarded. ‘Why are you being like this?’, ‘What’s the problem?’ – is that because there’s a deeper rooted meaning behind their dismissive behaviour, could it be their scared to open up or to embark on a new relationship, is it THAT good that it freaks them out – or is it the age old – want what you can’t have? Am I a better catch when they think they might lose me? Surely not, if I was worth pushing away in the first place?

So – I wait it out. Leave the ball in his court. But maybe I’ll never know? Maybe it’s the bunny boiler girl that wins, the girl that pushes them into being with her, but who wants a boyfriend thanks to ‘pity’. Or maybe I should be the ‘fuck you’ girl that stands her ground until the bitter end, even if she ends up with nothing. Maybe leaving the ball in his court will amount to what I want – eventually. Or maybe it makes it easier for him to run away. But either way, I gave it my all – I gave it every chance, and any guilt can hang on his shoulders, and I may not have screamed all the abuse tangled up in my heart, but at least I walk away with some dignity and I may not have told him every last loving emotion, but at least I have something more to give – should he decide to give us a chance.

And so, I’ll wait. I’ll wait in case the prick turns back into perfect. He might have been willing to lose me, but I’m not willing to lose what I think he can be.

(he stayed a prick............ just for the record)

Betty Crocker

'Babe; they're totally not cooked. Shall I put 'em back in?'
'But they've been out for ages babe. Just eat 'em babe.'
'Yeah but babe; we might get food poisoning'
'Yeah true; stick 'em back in babe'.

You might think this was ok if we'd tried hard, from scratch. But no, no - this was a 99p 'shake and bake' carrot cake cupcake mix from Asda.............. and we still didn't master it. Though; putting them back in the oven (after twenty minutes) wasn't as disastarous as it sounds and this morning, once cooled they were actually ok.... and last night? - Though a little soggy inside, it's amazing the wonders icing can make; much like MAC make up- covers a multitude of sins.

Before cupcake gate; one of my very best friends (Athina Andrelos) and I had managed to successfully make a beautiful Chilli Con Carne (well, more Athina than me), despite a power cut the actual second we turned the oven on. There sat the pot - complete with an oiled bottom, chopped up onions (amazing for the eyes), an opened can of kidney beans, mince with the cellophane top ripped off and two very hungry, totally stunned girls.

'Shit babe. No way.... of all the nights'....

The Betty Crocker School of Cookery we'd set up this fine Saturday evening was an attempt to force ourselves to stay in. Athina refused to 'tan' or wash her hair in another attempt to ensure we didn't break the promise and crack open the vodka/diet cokes (we've both admitted that plain diet coke the day after, often tastes laced with vodka to us... it's starting to merge; hence the decision for a night in perhaps); she also tried to say

'good job we didn't go out - look at this spot'....

I asked her to shut up and stop wasting my time, as it was smaller than a money spider and she's one of the most beautiful visions i've ever witnessed.

The power cut however, eventually subsided and we were joined by beautiful, blonde Jessie (and my Mum who popped in and out of the conversations and giggles) - and the 'Saturday Night In' was a complete success... one that left me feeling satisfied (and very full) when I went to bed that evening, I certainly dreamed sweet.

This evening had followed my Friday Night at 'Avenue Q' - it was the first time i'd seen this hillariously brilliant musical, made even sweeter by the fact that one of the best men on earth (in my humble opinion) was starring, Mr Paul Spicer. Paul is as beautiful a friend as he is a performer and as if the show wasn't satisfying enough, Paul, my beautiful bumchum (and PERFECT company for the evening) Jake and I, went and had a couple hours worth of giggles in Century, after a slightly dodgy start with an old drunk man groping Jake's bum and then offering us drinks..

'I hadn't even got my coat off'.....

A swift word with the bar staff, a call upstairs and a follow my (Paul) leader and we were onto better times... four glasses of wine and two vodka lemonades later (between us- God! I'm not THAT bad!) it was time to say goodbye, but not before a lush walk along the strand..............

'Is that Legally Blonde?' 

'Yeah; It looks like a car wash'.

I woke up feeling so content........ lucky....... you know when the conversation just flows and hearts are open; Happy. Not to mention proud,....what a talent that SpiceBoy is.

The night before that I'd hit Maya with the girls for some drunken antics and lots of hair swinging. Lashes, lip gloss and hairspray were out in full force along with ridiculous heels (not mine) and copious amounts of vodka... we left early and got a cheap taxi and a mcdonalds; we didn't need to pout anymore - the music was hot .... but loud... and with friends like mine, you get a little bored... there's too much fun to be SAID... let alone had... and shouting over Dirty Diana and Rude Boi gets annoying; the taxi home was probably my highlight; particularly the Nigerian driver raising his voice a fair few octaves to perform impressions of our extreme excitement that MCDONALDS WAS OPEN!

He waited for us to pile out and order and wasn't even grumpy when we ate in his car; what a beauty....

So all in all............ after three days spent with the majority of the most special people in my life (as well as a bum groping stalker and a generous driver) I am content (there's that word again), not to mention inspired

'you should get your act together and audition for one of the divas in Priscilla'

.... I have beautiful people in my life who look out for me, and who whether in or out or on stage or off stage or being stalked or scoffing mcdonalds, never fail to make me smile, bubble over with pride and feel worth something.....

I feel like life is just starting for me; at twenty-three..... I know who I am (for now anyway) and I like WHERE I am.... I've always liked writing; so why not blog it?

Hello World - You Along For The Ride? xxxx