Forget Tonight.

I wish I didn't feel so deeply. I guess I wish I just didn't care as much.

I wish I didn't fall as fast, or love as hard, or believe so readily.

I wish things didn't hurt so much.

I wish I could move on easier.... forget quicker..... forgive less, maybe.

I wish I could like myself more, physically, and believe in myself a little more, because then maybe I wouldn't secretly blame so much on that. I wouldn't question myself and doubt myself and hate myself so much.

I wish I didn't seem like such an open book, because I am in so many ways but generally when it comes to things I REALLY need to talk to someone about, I don't feel comfortable to. I shy away from the biggest issues because I can't help but cry and then I feel stupid.

I wish I had the words right now, to explain everything and I wish I had some ears to tell it to. I know that some very special people care but you know when sometimes you just don't feel that you'd say it adequately. You'd get yourself mumbled, and they might not understand it fully even if you didn't, because sometimes things are so caught up and jumbled in your own head that how could anyone else understand?

I wish I knew why I was really writing this and I wish I felt it was helping a little more, instead I kind of wish i'd never started and i'm already thinking i'll probably erase this. Though maybe I shouldn't cos I felt compelled to write it, even though at the moment, it's not really much at all and probably won't mean anything to anyone, even me.

I wish I knew what would solve this, but truth is I don't know where to start.

I wish someone just 'got me' right now without me really having to explain but that's no reflection on anyone else, because how COULD they. I guess I wish somebody loved me, hard... right now. Because a partner has the best shot of 'getting' it. But i've never felt so unloved by anybody in my whole life, there's not a soul who seems interested in me in the moment, and of course because I have all these reservations about myself, I'm convinced it's because i'm hideous; yet at the same time I know i'd love someone with all I had and be good to them and make them smile... i'm confident in that, but I can't imagine anyone truly falling for me, even though i've seen it happen before, i've been in love before?.... so that makes me sad. That I can't picture somebody falling in love with me, I guess as much as I tell myself i'm a good catch, I don't REALLY understand WHY they would..... secretly. That makes me so sad, because no-one should feel that way... and so I hate myself for feeling like that.

Do you ever go, 'shit, i'm a mess!'?

I know i'll wake up tomorrow and be better, I might even feel fine, or great, cos that's what I do - I cry it out and I start fresh, or else I bore myself.....

I'm getting there, I'm learning, I'm definitely on a journey of some description and as a person, and a friend, I like me, I care and I'm loyal and I'll have your back and I'll love you hard... it's just everything else I have to fix up on.......................... how I look and blaming myself for every boy who lets me down and doubting myself in my work and stuff, and taking everything so to heart, every friend who lets me down feels like a hole in the heart, and it keeps happening lately. I guess it's the age we're at, or maybe it's just that people are really selfish nowadays... I dunno.......

I'll start again tomorrow... and try and forget tonight ever happened at all.