Forget Tonight.

I wish I didn't feel so deeply. I guess I wish I just didn't care as much.

I wish I didn't fall as fast, or love as hard, or believe so readily.

I wish things didn't hurt so much.

I wish I could move on easier.... forget quicker..... forgive less, maybe.

I wish I could like myself more, physically, and believe in myself a little more, because then maybe I wouldn't secretly blame so much on that. I wouldn't question myself and doubt myself and hate myself so much.

I wish I didn't seem like such an open book, because I am in so many ways but generally when it comes to things I REALLY need to talk to someone about, I don't feel comfortable to. I shy away from the biggest issues because I can't help but cry and then I feel stupid.

I wish I had the words right now, to explain everything and I wish I had some ears to tell it to. I know that some very special people care but you know when sometimes you just don't feel that you'd say it adequately. You'd get yourself mumbled, and they might not understand it fully even if you didn't, because sometimes things are so caught up and jumbled in your own head that how could anyone else understand?

I wish I knew why I was really writing this and I wish I felt it was helping a little more, instead I kind of wish i'd never started and i'm already thinking i'll probably erase this. Though maybe I shouldn't cos I felt compelled to write it, even though at the moment, it's not really much at all and probably won't mean anything to anyone, even me.

I wish I knew what would solve this, but truth is I don't know where to start.

I wish someone just 'got me' right now without me really having to explain but that's no reflection on anyone else, because how COULD they. I guess I wish somebody loved me, hard... right now. Because a partner has the best shot of 'getting' it. But i've never felt so unloved by anybody in my whole life, there's not a soul who seems interested in me in the moment, and of course because I have all these reservations about myself, I'm convinced it's because i'm hideous; yet at the same time I know i'd love someone with all I had and be good to them and make them smile... i'm confident in that, but I can't imagine anyone truly falling for me, even though i've seen it happen before, i've been in love before?.... so that makes me sad. That I can't picture somebody falling in love with me, I guess as much as I tell myself i'm a good catch, I don't REALLY understand WHY they would..... secretly. That makes me so sad, because no-one should feel that way... and so I hate myself for feeling like that.

Do you ever go, 'shit, i'm a mess!'?

I know i'll wake up tomorrow and be better, I might even feel fine, or great, cos that's what I do - I cry it out and I start fresh, or else I bore myself.....

I'm getting there, I'm learning, I'm definitely on a journey of some description and as a person, and a friend, I like me, I care and I'm loyal and I'll have your back and I'll love you hard... it's just everything else I have to fix up on.......................... how I look and blaming myself for every boy who lets me down and doubting myself in my work and stuff, and taking everything so to heart, every friend who lets me down feels like a hole in the heart, and it keeps happening lately. I guess it's the age we're at, or maybe it's just that people are really selfish nowadays... I dunno.......

I'll start again tomorrow... and try and forget tonight ever happened at all.

I'm Obliged.

Obligation.

ob·li·ga·tion  (bl-gshn)

n.

1. The act of binding oneself by a social, legal, or moral tie.

2.

a. A social, legal, or moral requirement, such as a duty, contract, or promise that compels one to follow or avoid a particular course of action.

b. A course of action imposed by society, law, or conscience by which one is bound or restricted.

3. The constraining power of a promise, contract, law, or sense of duty.

4. Law

a. A legal agreement stipulating a specified payment or action, especially if the agreement also specifies a penalty for failure to comply.

b. The document containing the terms of such an agreement.

5.

a. Something owed as payment or in return for a special service or favor.

b. The service or favor for which one is indebted to another.

6. The state, fact, or feeling of being indebted to another for a special service or favor received.

Obligation. I think when most people think of that word, they think of a headache, of being bound to something, of being required to do something, of being restricted. I? I look at one word in particular out of every single word used in that definition. I look at moral. For me? If I feel obliged to do something, it's usually moral.
I feel obligated to do certain things, by choice. I think obligation can be as much of a choice as it can an order, or a document or a service. But nowadays, I feel like obligation doesn't mean shit.

People are obligated to be faithful... to be good friends... to treat others as they'd like to be treated... to be honest... to keep promises.... people should feel obligated to do plenty of things, but to me, it doesn't seem like people feel obligated to do much at all.


o·blige  (-blj)

v. o·bliged, o·blig·ing, o·blig·es

v.tr.

1. To constrain by physical, legal, social, or moral means.

2. To make indebted or grateful: I am obliged to you for your gracious hospitality.

3. To do a service or favor for: They obliged us by arriving early.

v.intr.

To do a service or favor: The soloist obliged with yet another encore.

This word 'favour' is interesting, I think that's how people see it nowadays, like they're doing their friend a favour by being there for their birthday, like 'oh, that's one good deed done'. I'm starting to think that my expectations of people are way too high, and that really most people don't feel obligated to you in any way, no matter how good a friend, partner, lover you've been. A person will do what a person will do, and there's not much you can do to stop them, you could be perfection personified but if they're going to shit on you, that really won't make a bit of difference. They won't even feel that bad about it, you will.

This thought makes me sad, but all in all I think I just have to get over it, it's how it is, and I can still try and be the best person that I can be, but it doesn't mean that every person in my life is going to return that favour, or even appreciate it. I don't intend to change, I just intend to make note and remember, from now on, the people who do seem to see obligation as a moral code in friendship/romance etc - and I'll give them that little bit extra of me, not even because I'd feel obliged, but because I'd want to.